What did one marketing executive say to the other one? "Why don't we combine the buxom sex appeal of Hooters with that Mel Gibson Scottish film from a few years ago, 'Braveheart'? We can sell overpriced pub fare and make a fortune!" And thus was born the Tilted Kilt Pub and Eatery.
The Tilted Kilt Pub and Eatery recently opened a Madison location and I have to tell you I cannot be recommending it to you either as a Scotsman or a zombie. For one thing, the buxom lassies are not on the menu. And even if they were, they're so scrawny that ye would not be getting yer money's worth!
I was all set to enjoy a nice meal of Phish 'n' Hips with an extra
helping of Trey Anastasio, only to be told that they didn't serve humans. "Hey," I said, glancing around at my fellow
patrons, "that's no way to talk about your customers." (INSERT RIMSHOT HERE)
So instead I had to settle for "Maggie Mae's Fish & Chips." What the hell's with
the Rod Stewart reference, anyway? I know
he's Scottish but c'mon! As far as I can remember, there's not a single reference
to fish and chips in that song.
But I digress. The fish was not so great but the "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?" creamy tartar sauce helped hide the blandness of the fish. I also didn't care for the
shoestringy nature of the French fries but I'll give the Tilted Kilt credit for
giving me a large quantity of the fries.
This was in direct contrast to the miniscule portion of garlic fries I received
as my appetizer. C'mon Tilted Kilt, the Irish Potato Famine was over 150 years ago! (INSERT HEAVY SIGH HERE)
Turning to condiments...Props to the Kilt for having malt vinegar!
My companion, Donn O'The Dead, Ireland's Funniest Vampire Comedian, had "Danny Boy's Shepherds Pie." I reckon it's named after the classic Irish folk ballad because a steady diet of this will undoubtedly have you singing your death song. The Tilted Kilt menu describes it as "beef, carrots, peas and mushroom gravy topped with garlic mashed potatoes and parmesan cheese." But I think a more accurate description would be "a leftover can of Dinty Moore stew from the late '90s, topped with some mashed potatoes that the school cafeteria threw out." It was not good. You eat too much of this stuff and you'll probably have to give yourself a bagpipe enema if you know what I mean. And if you don't know what I mean, consider yerself lucky.
Of course, Donn had to keep his distance from the garlic fries so ye'll not be gettin' a second opinion on them.
As for decor -- not much to report there...very little Scottish paraphernalia...and they didn't even have the vision to put "Lads" and "Lassies" signs on the restroom doors.
And as far as the phallic symbolism of the name, the Tilted Kilt, goes...well, make of that what you will. And, personally, I think the Kilted Tilt would be a better name.
That's all for now. I'm toying with the idea of pulling a Dustin Hoffman/"Tootsie"
routine and going undercover to work there as a waitress and write a big investigative feature on what the poor young women have to endure from the clientele but that would probably mean I'd have to eat my meals there. And there's a limit as to how much I'll suffer for my art.
Eat ya later!
A.M.
