FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Tuesday, Sept. 18th, 2007
ANGUS MACABRE UNVEILS MODEST PROPOSAL FOR PREVENTING RIFFRAFF FROM RUINING HALLOWEEN
CELEBRATION ON STATE STREET AND FOR MAKING SAID RIFFRAFF BENEFICIAL TO THE PUBLIC
(PARTICULARLY THE ZOMBIE PUBLIC)
In what some critics may view as the ultimate “self-serving” gesture, Scotland’s funniest zombie comedian, Angus MacAbre, e-mailed Madison Mayor Dave Cieslewicz the following modest proposal this morning:
“Dear Mayor Dave:
I am well aware that last year’s Halloween celebration on State Street was quite successful, thanks in large part to your efforts and ideas. And I know you’ve got a good handle on how to keep this year’s Freakfest on State Street safe and partylicious.
However, in the interest of both public safety and the welfare of my fellow zombies (many of whom do not get the recommended daily allowance of nutrients and vitamins that they require to live productive, meaningful lives), I would like to offer the following modest proposal.
My fellow zombies and I are willing to patrol State Street on Saturday, October 27th, for free. If we see any riffraff engaging in reckless behavior, we will eat them. Not only will this ensure a safe, enjoyable Halloween for everyone, it will also get rid of riffraff. Imagine a world without riffraff – shorter lines at airports, less competition for jobs, more personal space for aerobics classes at the gym.
We’ll start with the out-of-state riffraff since they’re the ones that cause the most trouble. We’ll focus on those troublemakers from Minnesota, Illinois, Iowa and Michigan. Of course, you may well ask, how will we determine which riffraff are from out-of-state? Under normal circumstances, of course, this would be very easy; the Gopher, Hawkeye and Wolverine paraphernalia would be a dead giveaway. But given that this is Halloween, such a strategy will be of no use since all riffraff will be dressed up as ghouls, vampires and the “Where’s Waldo?” guy.
Fortunately, we zombies have very well-developed auditory systems and can readily
discern the various out-of-state regional dialects. So there’s no need to worry about this.
Perhaps we could discuss this proposal further? Maybe over lunch?
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
For more info, please contact: